Have you ever tried to have a difficult conversation that just wouldn’t stay on the rails? You meant to discuss an incident and what happened so you and your partner could learn from it. But before the end of the first sentence, it felt like the conversation devolved into a game of offense and defense, trying to score points, and suddenly everyone loses. This experience is by no means unique to ADHD-affected couples, but we sure are vulnerable to it.
Imagine the following conversation between person A and person B, and see if you can catch when it veers off into unproductive territory:
A: “You said you were going to do the dishes before I had to cook tonight, and you forgot again, so I ended up having to do the dishes and then cook again. That feels really lousy after a long day, and I feel like my concerns just don’t matter to you.”
B: “Look, I already said I was sorry. But I didn’t forget – I meant to do them, but I got a work call at 4:00, and you know that I had to take that call. There’s no way I could have gotten it done, and plus I did already unload the dishwasher.”
A: “Well, you could have planned ahead since you knew that I’d be starting to cook at 5. You were waiting until the last minute again. This is why I don’t feel like I’m a priority.”
B: “How am I supposed to plan ahead for unplanned calls? And how can you say that you’re not my priority?” Person B launches into a list of sacrifices they have made for the relationship, and the conversation goes predictably downhill from here.
Did you catch it? Person A brought up an incident that had negatively impacted them. Person B immediately responded with self-defense and with a correction of the details – B didn’t forget the dishes at all! Now it’s Person A versus Person B, battling for the title of “more right.”
The Trap of Trying to Be Right
This trap – the need to defend ourselves and to outmaneuver our partners – is so easy to fall into. ADHDers struggle with emotional regulation, with rejection sensitivity, and with impulse control. So the urge to debate the details of a situation and to protect our feelings is the most natural response in the world… but it’s also not helpful. Many good skills can make difficult conversations easier; one is practicing asking one important question:
“What was my partner’s experience like, and is that what I want for them?”
Let’s imagine a different version of the conversation above, and this time let’s have person B take a moment to hold onto the question above.
A: “You said you were going to do the dishes before I had to cook tonight, and you forgot again, so I ended up having to do the dishes and then cook again. That feels really lousy after a long day, and I feel like my concerns just don’t matter to you.”
B: [internal thoughts] I didn’t forget; I got interrupted with a work call. But what was A’s experience?
B: [spoken aloud] “It sounds like you came home tired and had to do unexpected work that you were trusting me to have handled. I can see why that upset you.”
A: “Yeah, it sucked.”
B: [internal thoughts] I don’t want my partner to have an unpleasant surprise waiting for them, and I don’t want them to feel like I’m not thinking about them or that I don’t value them.
B: “I love you, and I’m really sorry that I didn’t hold up our agreement. Sometimes I get work calls and can’t get away, like today. Can we come up with a solution for what would be a better outcome than we had today, for when the situation arises again?”
A: “Thank you – let’s do that.”
From Opponents to Teammates
Immediately, several solutions come to mind. Maybe B can text A and A could pick up takeout on the way home if the dishes won’t be done. Maybe B can schedule dish-time earlier in the day so that late calls don’t derail their plans. But here’s the thing: the solutions aren’t the point here. Notice that in the first conversation, A and B became opponents. In the second conversation, B understood the impact of what happened for A. They valued A’s feelings and experiences, and moved to make the future better for A and B together. Now A and B are a team solving a problem. This is the pathway to repair.
Validation Doesn’t Mean Someone Has to be Wrong
Another helpful aspect about this question is that it removes the temptation to place blame. Perhaps in another version of the arrangement, B was supposed to do the dishes on days when A was planning to cook, which isn’t every day. That conversation might go something like this:
A: “You said you were going to do the dishes before I had to cook tonight, and you forgot again, so I ended up having to do the dishes and then cook again. That feels really lousy after a long day, and I feel like my concerns just don’t matter to you.”
B: [internal thoughts] I didn’t forget, they didn’t tell me! But what was A’s experience?
B: [spoken aloud] “It sounds like you came home tired, and had to do unexpected work that you thought I would have handled. I can see why that upset you.”
A: “Yeah, it sucked.”
B: [internal thoughts] I don’t want my partner to think that something is handled when it’s not, no matter the cause. I don’t want them to feel like I’m not thinking about them or that I don’t value them.
B: “I love you, and I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I don’t remember you telling me that you were planning to cook – somewhere along the line verbal communication got missed. Can we find a way to make the information more accessible, like a calendar or a note, and if I’m not sure, I’ll text you to check in? I’d like for us to be able to support each other on this so it doesn’t fall on one person’s shoulders.”
A: “Now that I think about it, maybe I didn’t tell you? Let’s come up with a plan.”
Choose Connection Over Being Right
Is this skill easy? Of course not. B felt scolded, rejected, maligned… and probably some guilt and shame in the first two examples. Plus, person A was wrong about why the dishes weren’t done! But B held on to the more important question. Not “who is right” but “what was my partner’s experience like, and is that what I want for them?” B let go of the details and instead focused on the valid experience that A had. What they felt was real.
We can’t always plan ahead for emotional situations with ADHD. But with a set of tools to help us through the hard moments in our relationships, we can regulate our emotions and reduce the impulses that might lead us down the road to “fighting about nothing” again.
So the next time you need to have a conversation about something that didn’t go well, consider holding this question in mind. Better yet, share this blog with them and have a real discussion about what it would be like if both partners could approach one another with compassion and curiosity. After all – shouldn’t partners be on the same team?
If difficult conversations keep turning into the same frustrating arguments, you don’t have to figure out a new way forward on your own. ADHD coaching can help you better understand the patterns at play and build practical tools for communication, emotional regulation, and connection.
Schedule a complimentary Get Acquainted Call with me or one of our other ADHD coaches to learn how we can support you.
Mike Legett
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach