In ADHD circles, it’s not uncommon for those of us who have ADHD to dominate the narratives. This, of course, is a refreshing contrast to the cold and terrifying place that I like to call “the neurotypical world.”
However, I thought it might be nice to center a different voice, to give the perspective of someone who lives – and loves – someone with ADHD.
I asked my husband to share his thoughts on some of the hard things – and some of the growth – from our own relationship. I’ve also added in some of my own observations to provide clarity and perspective.
While I’ve edited the interview for length and clarity, I’ve left his ideas entirely as presented.
One Hard Thing
Mike: There are a lot of tropes about what’s hard about life with an ADHD partner, but ADHD is so individual… what comes to mind for you as a hard thing about life with an ADHD partner?
Dan: In our particular relationship, you’re a bit of an “items tornado”; you will pick things up (sometimes many things), they’ll orbit you for a little bit, and then they’re going to get deposited somewhere. Then that’s just where they live.
Mike: That’s an incredible description. How do you deal with that?
Dan: I’ll make a note of where you’ve been working, and then I’ll just go check that area for things (mugs, plates, anything that I can just put away or clean).
I also do a thing that you call June-Bugging, which is just moving around, finding a little thing to clean: seeing what catches my eye, then moving on. No particular rhyme or reason, just June-Buggin’ around.
Mike: How does that impact you?
Dan: In the long term, I’ve tried to learn to accept it more and not let it bother me, but on a shorter time scale, I do sometimes notice that I invest more time into cleaning up than I’d like to.
And it’s work to not let that become resentment.
Resentment, Acceptance and Growth
Mike: Resentment is a big issue in a lot of ADHD impacted relationships. How do you manage that?
Dan: Sometimes well and sometimes poorly [Dan laughs].
I don’t know… I think a lot of that hinges on acceptance, not on framing it as “my existence ™,” but on accepting that these things are part of who you are. It’s not that you don’t try to bring your mugs to the kitchen… the fact that it’s not a matter of intent makes a difference.
At the outset, I didn’t have the experience of living with somebody with these sorts of ADHD symptoms on this scale. On a more meta level, as I’ve gotten older, learned more, and developed better language for interpersonal conflicts, that has helped a lot.
Mike: So here I am at age 43, still leaving plates and mugs around the house. It can be discouraging to think that you may never have a partner who consistently takes all their dishes back to the kitchen in a timely manner.
So, are there certain problems that have been resolved or improved over the years?
Dan: I think a lot of things have changed and improved over the years!
The way you engage with me on these issues has changed, and your relationship to the shame around it has changed. You’ve become more open about your struggles around these things, and I think, honestly, that your openness helps.
For one thing, it brings me into your emotional experience. I’m not just seeing the outcomes now, I’m seeing the journey. That presents more opportunities to talk about it, and so I think, in a way, we have been destigmatizing my asking you to do stuff.
That’s not all on you – I came in with a certain mindset of like, “well obviously these things need to be done.” Like having a certain level of cleanliness for the kitchen every night is somehow mandatory.
I’ve also (I think at least in part because I’m forced to by you) re-examined some of those assumptions.
Breaking free of those chains is also really helpful overall for accepting who you are and how you are as well, as in finding ways to work with you rather than be mad at you.
Learning Better Ways to Communicate
Mike: Do you have any advice for people in ADHD-impacted relationships?
Dan: I think it’s difficult to give specific, concrete advice because so much of it is so contextual.
I mentioned dishes because that’s a thing particular to you, but there are neurodiverse people who don’t struggle with that example at all.
It’s ultimately about communicating with your partner – both about the objective facts and how they make you feel.
Get better language for talking about these things. Read some books, do some therapy.
Force yourself to approach any problems from a place of compassion and building something together instead of lodging a complaint.
Small Changes in Language Can Change Everything
Mike: To show how language has developed in our relationship, can you give an example of language you might have used 20 years ago versus language you would use now?
Dan: If I stick with the dishes example, I can imagine a scenario 20 years ago where I found mugs, glasses, and dishes throughout the house and spent a while just searching for them and bringing them back to the kitchen.
And then I might have said to you (this is the 20 years ago version), “Mike, can you just bring your dishes to the kitchen? It’s not that hard.”
Obviously, that’s not a great approach for a variety of reasons. It’s not like it would have made you cry, but it definitely would have hurt your feelings.
We have had conversations like that where my intent was to file a complaint and the way that it hit was that I was being really mean to you.
Today, in that same situation, I would just ask, “Hey, do you have any empties?”
It’s a shorthand way of asking if there is anything to be collected. Rather than trying to go around you and find those things, I just poke you about it.
It no longer feels like an attack; it’s just a point of [collaborative] communication.
Understanding the ADHD Experience
Mike: Any examples on the flip side – how I (the ADHD partner) use language differently?
Dan: To start off, you’ve always been really good at putting your feelings into words and doing so in a way that is problem-oriented, not person-oriented. So in that regard, you started off on a really good footing.
I feel like you’ve gotten even better at those things, and in particular, you’ve gotten better at describing the way in which ADHD impacts your day-to-day experience, so I’ve gotten to hear (and understand) more about that internal journey.
Also, the fact that you have become more willing to open up about that internal journey over time – it’s helped a lot.
You’ve also developed a much thicker skin for better or for worse, so as I’ve learned to use better language, you have also learned not to take my spikiness to heart.
An Upward Spiral
[A note from Mike]
You’ll notice that this is an example of an “upward spiral.” As Dan and I learned to use good language and to approach problems together, we built up trust.
The more trust we built, the easier it was for me to be honest about what was hard and to confront problems with him rather than avoid them.
After years of this, I’ve gone from being deeply sensitive and easily hurt to knowing that Dan is my partner and that a bad mood or a poorly worded comment is just that.
We’ve built up a sense of safety that can override our less-than-best moments.
Asking for Help Changes Everything
Dan: I think one thing that changed – and I say exactly when – is that at some point you started asking me for help with those things more explicitly.
Beyond just saying “this is the thing I struggle with,” you’d say, “Hey, can you help me…?”
Mike: Can you say more about what kind of help that is?
Dan: Oftentimes, you will use me as a rubber duck.
(And for those not familiar with this metaphor, it comes from software development, where if somebody found a bug that they couldn’t figure out… someone suggested that a rubber duck would be just as useful, and in a weird way it is.)
So, back to the topic at hand, I think you used to suffer silently more around things that tax your executive function.
You would just suck it up or grin and bear it, and over time, you have asked me to either be your rubber duck or to help you with the executive functioning parts of a particular task – basically just bring me in as your helper.
I think that’s really great, both because I like to help you and because I think it’s really emotionally healthy to be open about those struggles, especially with somebody who’s your intimate partner.
Final Reflections
Dan: Is it weird interviewing your spouse?
Mike: Only because I didn’t prepare enough.
What Surprised Me Most
To be honest, this interview didn’t go the way I expected.
I expected Dan to talk more about the impact of our household meetings or my use of clipboards.
While I regularly preach the importance of acceptance and compassion of ADHDers for themselves, I was startled to learn how much his understanding of my internal processes has improved our relationship.
I thought his appreciation of my challenges was helpful because it helps us solve outcome-based problems.
It’s another great reminder that trust and collaboration outweigh calendars and stray mugs any day.
Relationships don’t have to be perfect to be healthy. Sometimes the most powerful change comes from understanding each other’s experiences and learning how to solve problems together. If ADHD is impacting your relationships, coaching can help you build stronger communication, trust, and collaboration. Schedule a complimentary Get Acquainted session with me, or one of the other coaches at the Center for Living Well with ADHD.
Mike Legett
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach