Common Issues for Parents of Teenagers – How Coaching Can Help!

This is the first in a series over the course of this year. I will discuss the 5 most common issues I hear as a coach from parents of teenagers with ADHD. I will share my view on the root cause and what you can do to help. 

“My kid is being deliberately obstinate. He refuses to do what he is told, even though I’ve told him five times to clean his room or do his laundry. He constantly demands to know why I’m telling him to do something; I don’t have to explain myself to a 14-year-old. Everything is an argument with him.”

This is a common scenario I often hear from parents of teenagers. I’ll outline the key mistakes that parents in this situation make, as well as some ways you can change your approach to get to better outcomes.

Don’t Tell Them What to Do

A teenager will cut off his nose to prevent you from telling him when to blow it. The moment you’ve told your teenager what to do you’ve set up a dynamic that encourages their emotional reaction as well as a power struggle. Teenagers are constantly seeking to assert their independence and autonomy; every time they are told what to do, they are allowed to do just that. You are going to slowly degrade your relationship with your teenager by telling them what to do, and their homework or room cleanliness or whatever other chore simply is not as important as your relationship. 

Instead of telling your teen what to do for the umpteenth time, try seeking shared understanding, and then getting curious and asking them questions about why they have struggled to complete the task so far. That doesn’t mean shooting them an accusatory, “Well why haven’t you taken the trash out yet?!” – you need to approach it with genuine curiosity, with the assumption that your kid is having a hard time doing the task, not that they’re just ignoring you or being difficult. 

As the parent in the relationship, it is your responsibility to frame non-preferred tasks in such a way that you can ask questions rather than having to tell your child what to do. For example, if you and your teen don’t already agree that taking out the trash by 5 pm every other day is how he contributes to the household, then you’ll probably have to tell them to do it almost every time. But if you and your kid are on the same team and agree that taking out the trash is his meaningful contribution to the household, then you get to ask him if he’s having a hard time taking out the trash and find out what you can do to help. By setting up the task as something you and your teen agree on in advance, you can ask rather than tell in a way that puts you on your kid’s team rather than the opposition.

Give Them The Why

The second mistake parents make is assuming that their child is challenging them or being obstinate because they are demanding an explanation or more information. This assumption makes teenagers feel like they don’t have a voice, which makes them feel powerless. This leads, again, to a power struggle that often ends with one or both of you blowing up. But what if your teen isn’t asking why because he is challenging your authority?

Almost all of the time, the ADHD teenagers I work with are asking questions because they don’t understand. They don’t know why this chore is essential to you. They don’t understand why they have to take the trash out right now instead of after they’re done with their video game. If they think it only takes two minutes to get ready for school, they don’t understand why you need them to be prepared 15 minutes beforehand. Their “why” isn’t a challenge – it is an honest question their brain is stuck on, preventing them from moving forward with your request. 

You can help your teen work through their lack of understanding by taking the time to explain. Treat their question as an honest ask for understanding instead of a challenge – in the worst-case scenario, if it really is a challenge, you’re solving the problem by not taking the bait. In the best-case scenario, you’re helping your teen gain clarity in a moment that is otherwise ambiguous to them in some way. Plus, you’ll get the added benefit of your child being much more receptive to and accepting of your now-rare “because I said so.”

Consider how partnering with a coach could help you refine your interactions with your teen. If you think coaching is an opportunity worth investigating, please click here to contact me for a complimentary get-acquainted session or check out any of the other coaches at The Center for Living Well with ADHD.