Have you ever heard of the plant experiment? It’s a fascinating one. Two identical plants are maintained under the same lighting, water, and care conditions. But there’s one key difference: for one plant, people speak only negative words to the plant—“You’re ugly,” “You’re useless,” “You look awful.” To the other, they offer only kind words—“You’re growing so well,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re thriving.”
Guess what happened?
The plant surrounded by negativity wilted and eventually died. The one that received encouragement and praise? It flourished.
I mean… if that’s what words can do to a plant, imagine what they can do to a human brain.
Especially a brain with ADHD.
If you have ADHD—or love someone who does—you know how loud the internal chatter can be. And, unfortunately, that chatter tends to lean towards the negative.
We also know that people with ADHD experience more shame and negative self-talk than the general population (and yep, there’s research to back that up). Shifting those internal narratives? Not easy. They’re usually deeply ingrained, shaped by years of unmet expectations, misunderstood behaviors, and a lifetime of “Why can’t you just…?”
We all know positive self-talk is essential. But actually doing it? That’s a different story. So maybe the answer isn’t just “do better” or “say nicer things.”
It may start with changing our perspective.
The Power of Perspective Shifts
Let me give you a few real-life examples from my coaching work:
Story 1: The Stressed-Out Parent
A mom came to me feeling defeated. Mornings were chaos, and she said, “My kid just won’t get out of bed. It’s like he’s trying to make my life harder. I’m failing as a mom.”
We took a moment to reframe: What if he’s not trying to be difficult? What if he’s just having a hard time? What if his brain is struggling with transitions, or his body literally can’t move fast in the morning?
That shift changed everything.
She went from “we’re always fighting” to “I believe in him. I can manage one step at a time.” Instead of engaging in power struggles, they began asking questions and working together to find solutions and consequences.
Story 2: The Mom of a Big-Feeling Kid
Another parent shared, “I just can’t get her to calm down—what’s wrong with me?”
Through coaching, she began to see the meltdowns not as her failure, but as her child struggling with overwhelming emotions. That shift—“she’s having a hard time with her feelings”—unlocked understanding and empathy. And with that empathy came more effective emotional coaching. Things started to click.
Story 3: The Self-Critical Young Adult
A college student I work with hit a wall in her studies. “Why can’t I do anything right? I’m so stupid,” she told me.
I challenged these thoughts: Is that really true, or is your brain having a hard time thinking right now, and you’re struggling to recall what you’ve learned? This is hard.”
That one shift created space for self-validation. She learned that with this, she wasn’t spiraling in shame anymore—she was able to move forward with problem-solving and asking herself, “What do I need?” instead.
So, How Do You Learn to Shift Your Perspective?
That’s where ADHD coaching can be a game-changer.
A coach helps you zoom out. They can spot the patterns and thoughts you’ve been swimming in so long, you don’t even realize they’re there. They help you build awareness, discover strategies to regulate your emotions, and, most importantly, they allow you to rewrite the story you’re telling yourself.
Not from fake positivity, but from a place of understanding how your brain works.
Because here’s the truth:
The way we speak to ourselves matters.
And when we change that voice—just a little—we change how we feel, how we act, and how we grow.
If you’re curious about how ADHD coaching can support your emotional regulation journey, or if you’re stuck in a loop and unsure how to break free, I’d love to connect. You don’t have to do it alone.
Alicia Kohls, M.Ed, PCAC
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach