I had read about the concept of emotional intelligence in Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and found it enlightening for tuning in to our emotions and relating to family and friends. If you have not read his book, you should give it a look — it’s crucial in so many aspects of life, whether it be business, relationships, or raising children.
The concepts of emotional intelligence came back on my radar this past week after reading an article Allison Price wrote this month on the Artful Parent website. The title of her article is “7 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent Parents Use That Work on Even the Most Difficult Teenagers.” Seven phrases I know would have helped my husband and me as parents, and I wanted to share them with others.
When you observe children with good self-regulation, resilience, secure attachments, strong communication skills, and confidence and self-esteem, you can rightfully expect to find emotionally intelligent parents or caregivers in the mix.
So what would constitute an emotionally intelligent parent? Here are some key traits gleaned from Daniel Goleman’s material and internet searches.
1. Self-awareness
They recognize their own emotions, triggers, and stress levels. Instead of reacting impulsively, they pause, reflect, and choose a response that aligns with their values.
2. Self-regulation
They model calm behavior. Even when frustrated, they work to stay grounded—showing children that big feelings can be handled without yelling, shaming, or withdrawing.
3. Empathy
They try to understand what their child is feeling, even when the behavior is complex. They validate emotions (“I see you’re really upset”) before addressing the behavior.
4. Attuned communication
They listen actively, ask thoughtful questions, and encourage children to express feelings. They notice nonverbal cues and check in gently.
5. Teaching emotional skills
They help kids name emotions, understand them, and develop coping strategies (breathing, problem-solving, taking breaks, etc.).
6. Boundaries with warmth
They set clear limits but in a respectful, emotionally supportive way—balancing firmness with kindness.
7. Repair after conflict
They apologize when needed, explain misunderstandings, and reconnect. They normalize mistakes and model humility.
8. Consistency and predictability
Their emotional responses are stable, giving the child a sense of safety and trust.
Now, take these qualities of the emotionally intelligent parent, and you can see how Allison Price’s phrases align so well with being that aware, intentional, and connected caregiver. These phrases model emotional intelligence in action.
1) “I’m listening, and I won’t interrupt.”
As Allison states, our instinct is to interrupt and to offer solutions or corrections. But not only are you robbing the teen of an opportunity to process their circular thoughts by talking them out loud, but you are also allowing them to be genuinely heard and understood. You are signaling that their perspective matters more than your judgment.
2) “That sounds really hard.”
This phrase validates their present experience without minimizing it. The writer explains that validation matters greatly during this phase and shares a video worth watching, “Why Your Teen Pushes You Away – And Why It’s Working.”
3) “I need a minute to calm down before we talk about this.”
Emotionally intelligent parents know they must model calm behavior to be a great regulator for their children. They don’t want to escalate or cause damage with words or actions that can’t be healed.
4) “What do you need from me right now?”
My husband and I use this phrase in our relationship, and it has been the best question in any situation. This response means I am listening to you and taking direction, not deciding I know what’s best for your needs. You are acknowledging that they are the expert on themselves, and that communicates respect. The author says, “Sometimes they just need you to sit with them. Sometimes they need to vent without solutions. Sometimes they need reassurance that you still love them even when they’ve messed up. Sometimes they need practical help. Sometimes they need space.” It’s a great pathway to open up dialogue.
5) “I was wrong about how I handled that.”
This phrase aligns with number 7 above, called “Repair After Conflict.” According to the author, “Owning your mistakes models accountability, humility, and emotional maturity. It shows your teenager that adults aren’t perfect, and that repairing relationships after ruptures is not only possible but necessary. Teenagers who see their parents take responsibility for mistakes learn to do the same.”
6) “We’re on the same team, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”
Emotionally intelligent parents understand that creating an adversarial relationship will not help anyone. Both parties share the same end goal of well-being, even though the ways of getting there might differ. As the parent, your goal is not to have it your way or to make their life more difficult, and this one clarifies respect while balancing firmness with kindness.
7) “I love you, and nothing you do will change that.”
Unconditional love is about accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all, and not basing your love on their behavior or achievements. It means standing by someone in good times and bad. This phrase gives children a sense of trust and safety in their parents’ consistency.
As parents, it’s good to remember that it’s less about being perfect and more about being aware, intentional, and connected. I have always embraced Maya Angelou’s quote: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” I have always believed that parents do the best with what they know, and when they know more, they will want to be even better. Here at the Center for Living Well with ADHD, we wish you and yours a season filled with warmth, laughter, and happiness!
Katherine Jahnke
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach,
Co-Founder