Ownership: A story of faith and healing wounds from ADHD

“I have had enough. Don’t look at me, and don’t talk to me. Just write down the prescription I must take, and I will be on my way.” These were my words to my psychiatrist when he started telling me that I have ADHD.

I suppose everybody has their way of dealing with their ADHD diagnosis. After six years of a bipolar depression diagnosis and not advancing in life, a psychiatrist finally told me that I have ADHD… and it made me angry. I’ll admit that this was not the best way to react to my diagnosis, but this was the way my emotional brain chose to deal with the news. I suppose it made sense at the time. The diagnosis was not at all what I was expecting. I was hoping that the psychiatrist would show me an x-ray  or an MRI image that would validate my struggles, like a man with back pain seeing an image of his slipped disk and pinched nerve. I was hoping for an image that displayed the secrets to my bad grades, my forgotten homework, my chronic tardiness to everything, my forgetfulness, and my consistent failure to follow through on my best intentions and promises. Instead, I was asked several simple questions and received my diagnosis. The diagnostic process didn’t make much sense to me. Therefore, I treated the news with very little value or respect.

The medications helped somewhat. They were enough for me to sum up the courage to re-enter college and graduate with a degree in business. This was far short of my dream to be a Formula 1 engineer, but it was enough of an accomplishment to start filling out applications for jobs above the level of a barista. At the time, I didn’t care to learn anything about my ADHD diagnosis. I just wanted to get on with life and stop having excuses for why I hadn’t amounted to much, professionally. Unfortunately, medications did not turn me into a superstar of productivity and focus as I had hoped. I spent many years toiling away with the same struggles I had always had and dealing with the same obstacles with only a minor increase in performance.

Being the first one in my family to receive an ADHD diagnosis made me feel special… a special kind of useless. I continued to live under the widespread stigma that my ADHD was nothing more than a professional codeword for laziness. Every mistake I made was another reinforcing belief that I was stupid. This endless cycle of self-destructive criticism was unnecessary and was only supported by my belief that my disorder didn’t exist.

I wasn’t willing to open my mind to the possibility of having ADHD until I started watching videos online that talked about ADHD and the many symptoms that I saw in my life. Eventually, I stumbled across a video that invited me to attend an ADHD conference. By this time, I had seen enough videos and learned some of the ABCs of my diagnosis that helped elevate my interest. Perhaps I could possibly believe in this ADHD thing after all?

My start toward bettering myself had to begin with a belief. A belief rooted in faith in the professional who diagnosed me and in the videos I had seen on YouTube. I wasn’t quite ready to take ownership of my disorder. I still felt alone in this belief. None of my family could relate to the issues I was struggling with. I still needed more faith.

Fast forward to the convention. To know that I am not alone with this diagnosis was more reassuring than seeing any brain scan or other medical imagery. Upon entering the conference I was suddenly sharing space with 800 people with attention regulation issues like me. We went to presentations that were very informative and relatable. There was so much conversation about how people came to realize they had this disorder. My faith was restored.

Once my faith was restored, I was able to take ownership of my ADHD. Suddenly, my growth and healing began. I started with acceptance and forgiveness for mistakes made and time lost due to my stubbornness. I worked hard to gain as much knowledge as possible and begin rewiring my brain, dispelling these negative thoughts and beliefs. I hired a coach and began working with her every week, creating minor improvements that amounted to impressive outcomes. I worked diligently on improving myself and saw actual tangible results.

After improving myself, I became inspired to help others. I want to help free people from the imprisonment of denial and avoidance of their disorder. I want to see people tackle and defeat their self-imposed limitations. Initially, I became a Certified ADHD Life Coach (CALC) just to help change the course of my life. In the process, I realized that there were many more opportunities.

Five years later, I am enjoying the life of my dreams. I am a digital nomad, and I travel to far-off exotic places to meet new people and to get a taste of different cultures. I work with the amazing coaches at The Center for Living Well with ADHD. I have interesting clients. All of this growth and change started with taking ownership of my disorder. With ownership came forgiveness. With forgiveness came positive change.

If you are looking for a better understanding of your ADHD, or if you are curious and want to talk to me about living with ADHD, then please set up a free “Get-Acquainted” session with me. What have you got to lose? I look forward to meeting you!