One of the principal challenges of being a parent is picking your moments—your moments to impart words of wisdom, your moments to simply offer comfort or support with a hug or words of encouragement, and moments where you must choose whether to fight that battle today or not.
One of the challenges of being a parent of a child with ADHD is that if we don’t recognize the moment we are in with our child, we end up with a very jarring and unexpected outcome. Oftentimes, that outcome can be a meltdown, despite our better intentions.
Why Meltdowns Happen
Meltdowns are rarely the result of a singular event—they typically require a culmination of events to reach a tipping point.
But that tipping point can define the experience. It’s what separates an upset or angry 10-year-old from one having an uncontrollable, out-of-body experience.
That tipping point, more often than not, is the feeling of isolation.
Isolation is not just the feeling of being alone. It is the feeling of being powerless—having no ability to right a wrong—while watching those with the power to change the outcome simply stand idly by, doing nothing to help.
(Or at least, that’s how it feels to your child.)
When Kids Try to Tell Us Something
When a child with emotional dysregulation experiences a series of upsetting events, such as unmet expectations, they are likely to communicate that distress to you or someone else in authority.
When they communicate that distress in that moment, we treat it as a teaching moment: a chance to help our child consider an alternative perspective, perhaps, or think more critically about the impact of their desired choice.
And while these lessons are vitally important, there is a time and a place when a child can hear them.
A child who is dysregulated—on the edge of a meltdown—can’t process your words of wisdom. Without meaning to, you may be turning a teaching moment into the tipping point for a full meltdown.
🎮 The Video Game Example
A common scenario comes up often with clients: parents are concerned about the amount of time their child spends playing video games.
Take Tommy, for example. His parents notice that he has a meltdown every time it’s time to put the video game away.
They try to explain to him, in those moments, that he needs to learn to self-regulate—that stopping video games to do more important things is part of growing up.
They want to help him understand that self-regulation is a life skill. They want him to succeed.
Unfortunately, this is not a moment when Tommy can hear that message.
What he hears instead is:
“Mom and Dad aren’t on my team.”
“They don’t care how hard this is for me.”
“They only care about getting what they want.”
To Tommy, it feels like he’s on his own—struggling with something he knows he should be able to do, feeling shame about it, and watching his parents lecture instead of help.
This is the amygdala hijack—the moment right before the meltdown.
What To Do Instead: ✅ Lead with Empathy
We can skip all of this—the meltdown, the shame, the catastrophic story our child tells in these moments—by leading with empathy first.
Set the teaching moment aside, and focus on what your child needs right now.
Not the skill they’ll need as an adult.
Not the problems they may face in college.
Not the lifelong implications of poor self-regulation.
Right now, your child needs to feel seen and understood.
Revisit Later, When It’s Calm
It’s okay to come back to the situation later—from a place of calm curiosity.
Your child will be much more likely to participate in problem-solving—and to hear your advice as concern rather than criticism.
And you’ll be calmer too, which helps you express your point more effectively.
Final Thought
Being the parent of a child who has meltdowns is about picking your moments.
When emotional dysregulation happens, you have the opportunity to lead with empathy and support.
That’s what your child needs most in that moment.
Let’s Talk
If you’re looking for a coach who truly understands, schedule a complimentary get-acquainted meeting with me—or connect with one of the other outstanding coaches at The Center for Living Well with ADHD.
Let’s explore how ADHD coaching can support your child in a genuine and authentic way.
Griffin Rouse
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach