I recently found myself living in a case study for different types of mental flexibility. Mental flexibility is the skill set required to adapt to unexpected changes, change one’s mind intentionally, and change one’s attitude as needed. ADHDers often struggle with mental flexibility in the same way that we struggle with attention—our challenge lies not in having it but in controlling it.
My husband and I are doing some rather intense home repairs on a home we’re about to move into—our first and (hopefully last) house. In many ways, this house is an excellent representation of me, if I may be so vain. It has quirks and character. It has a long history and clearly has been lived in and loved. It has some issues—don’t we all? Interestingly, the person who lived here previously left many things in the house, which were somewhat random and miscellaneous. Between the varied caches of items and the previous repairs and projects (many unfinished)… I believe my house has ADHD if such a thing is possible. (This, of course, is a joke and a metaphor.)
So, when we discovered the rats’ nest under the sink, my husband and I sprang into our relative types of action. I devised a plan to rebuild the cabinets from the inside out, and he inspected the plan to ensure it was good and sound and didn’t have unexamined angles. I found each small obstacle an exciting challenge when we instigated the plan. “Do we have any nails?” he asked. “Do we have any nails?!? Of course!” Nope. “On second thought, we have a random assortment of bits and bobs, including many screws of many varieties, and these nail gun nails and a pneumatic finishing nailer with finishing nails, and a bunch of rusted pre-used nails, but no normal nails.” My husband mentally slammed into each of our obstacles with renewed frustration. He managed it well, but clearly, he was not having a good time. He wanted the right tool for the right job, not to go on a Macgyver-inspired scavenger hunt.
The ability to scramble through the bits and bobs left by the previous owner and to come up with a new angle to tackle our unfortunate under-sink situation felt as good to me as I imagine going for a jog feels to athletic-running-type people. There was no negative emotional response, just a keen interest in the puzzle: “What do we have? What could I do with it? How could I make it work?”
On the other hand, when it came time for dinner, my dreams of vegan junk food were shattered when I realized that Google Maps had led me to a restaurant that no longer existed. I sat there stuck, sadly Googling for a veggie burger or Indian food. There was nothing within an acceptable distance. Gently, my husband asked if we should pivot to Burger King. The Impossible Whopper, you see, is a rare beacon of hope for a hungry vegetarian in a fast-food world.
When life introduced a bit of disappointment into the mix, my brain simply shut down. As I mourned my junk food dreams, my husband was able to shift gears and get us some much-needed warm food after a hard day. He zoomed out, assessed the situation, and selected another acceptable solution.
ADHD people often struggle with mental flexibility, and I have a strong suspicion that the more emotional the obstacle, the harder it is for us to adapt quickly. But keep in mind we also can be incredibly flexible, connect disparate ideas, and leap from one interest to the next with gazelle-like majesty when the mood takes us. So, while it is essential to identify the patterns about when your inflexibility can get in your way, it’s also essential to look for opportunities where you become the nimble-minded puzzle master. The times when you feel clever can provide just as much data as when you feel stuck, just as long as you learn to look for them.
Are there topics or concerns you want to explore with an ADHD coach? Then, consider scheduling a complimentary introductory meeting with me or any other coaches at the Center for Living Well with ADHD. Let’s get acquainted, understand your needs, and explore how ADHD Coaching may help you experience more of the life you are meant to have.
Mike Legett
ADHD Coach and Life Coach, Executive Skills Coach